Boomerang Generation | Text by Michelle Shail | Spring Issue 2009
In January, New York Times Magazine published an article on what women want - sexually. It caught my attention in light of the fact that I often don’t know what I want. Sometimes, a woman’s desire is harnessed to her emotional connection to another individual. Other times, the article reported, she fantasizes of ravenous sex with a stranger. As an innately heterosexual female, I’m frustrated by the disconnect between the two sexes. Equilibrium of desire is a challenge and I find myself envious of my homosexual peers with their perpetual ‘glow’ and always seemingly on the same sexual page. The article, excellent, but over my head with more technical and scientific terms and theories than my libido could comprehend, reinforced the naturally vacillating sexual tendencies of the female. But the answer for those trying desperately to tap into an untamed female’s lust is, in a word, language. Not the over used ‘communication,’ of course. But rather the acceptance that we, men and women, speak different languages. Linguists report that learning a second language is difficult. But acknowledging these boundaries goes a long, long way toward transcending them.
I grew up in the South. It’s lush and languid rolling landscapes are encapsulated by beautiful mountain ridges, acres of peaceful open farmland and tight knit communities with strong and clearly defined values. But growing up in the prim and proper South can be tough - especially on the topic of getting in touch with our sexuality. The topic is taboo, often skirted and explained differently to boys and girls in terms that seem contradictory, i.e., abstinence for girls, conquest for boys! But our sexual desires are a part of nature. They’re a directional pull. And whether heterosexual, homosexual, or somewhere in between - all are found in nature and serve a purpose.
Our culture, underwritten largely by the entertainment industry and the endless search for beautiful things, sends odd fairytale messages to little girls that ultimately keep us twirling around in our Jimmy Choo’s, strung out on the chic antidepressant du jour and consequently cause weight gain, tantrums, and a vapid libido. Little girls are scripted to search for love, a sense of safety and an identity not so much in their personal strengths, passions and dreams, as in the subliminal idea that a ‘prince’ should save and escort them to a ‘happily ever after.’ Ladies, no doubt, from my generation remember Princess Diana’s fairytale wedding. I recall as a young girl the chatter surrounding the nuptials and endless commentary on how lucky she was to be ‘discovered’ and found ‘worthy’ of the young prince. The point I make is not that I’m unaware of these fantasies or even taken an interest from time to time. But, rather, that these particular storylines seldom play out the way our imaginations might suppose [perhaps the reason Disney waited over 50 years to release Cinderella 2].
I have two daughters who simply could not be more different from one another. One fits neatly into the Diva stereotype with a penchant for clothes and long afternoons spent calling upon her proverbial mirror. The other is more academic and artistically inclined, and most herself when stomping about in her brown cargo pants. As their mother I get to cheer and applaud the various ways they gather and assimilate information, massage my own ego and validate a purpose in life for in concert - the girls are me. As a parent, I am humbled by the responsibility of ensuring they each develop the necessary skills to sing their own song. A song that transcends fads, trends and magical kingdoms of happiness built on mimicking the head cheerleader in charge of the popularity contest.
When I first heard the word resiliency in the context of my MSOD graduate program it created a picture of survival: white knuckles holding on desperately for dear life! But resiliency goes beyond the basic need to survive by empowering us to acquire skills that actually utilize adversity in our pursuit of happiness: a useful trick whether we are dealing with threats to our economic and emotional prosperity, discrimination, hurt from the loss of a perceived friendship, failed marriages or the like. Our ability to identify our feelings and to get in touch with our deeper thoughts empower us to react both internally and externally in ways that help us achieve what we want and need instead of relegating ourselves to the same destructive cycles. Change, hurt and disappointment are inevitable. Have you heard the world can be a cruel place? But growth, I suggest, is optional.
